Navigating Painful Interactions: Learning to Protect Your Inner Peace
Other people's daggers can uproot your stillness.
God does not cease to reprove us for evil, and to influence us towards that which is good; but the noise of the world without, and of our own passions within, deafen us, and hinder us from hearing Him.1
Many of us have trouble sitting in silence because a host of thoughts bubble up. These can be anxieties about certain conflicts or circumstances in our lives. We might also play back a tape of an argument we recently had with another, or we might pull a George Costanza and rehearse a “Jerk Store” retort to one-up another. Or we might practice the Law of Attraction, envisioning a world that caters to our desires rather than what’s best for the world.
I know I could spend all day entertaining myself with these daydreams and memories. Sometimes they can be pleasant, but sometimes not-so-pleasant. And boy, I’ve been stuck on those not-so-pleasant loops for a long time and wanted to pull my head under the covers and eat chocolate chips right out of the bag.
Certain meditation techniques will help train our minds to remain focused. To keep my mind from wandering, I’ve often spent all but 20 seconds of my meditation time practicing breathwork or using a mantra.
But let’s face it, sometimes our “noise of the world without” can suck away the sweetness of our stillness. We might be gliding along, allowing God to speak to our soul deep within, and then BAM! We get a phone call or a text message from someone who wants to resuscitate what is dead.
They speak to us in ways that remind us of our past mistakes. Even if we’ve changed, grown, and moved on from our mistakes, other people don’t want to move on. Because they are stuck in their past, they don’t see how others have evolved. They want to toss their inner turmoil on you.
And they can say some really hurtful things. It’s not a sharp scalpel but a dull dagger that continues to mercilessly dig deep. Their words and actions join forces with those thoughts deep within you so you can’t even breathe. You can barely stand up because the pain is so great. You can’t even form the words of a prayer because every cell is radiating pain.
How can someone be so cruel?
What’s worse is when that person returns to consciousness and tries to take back their words. Rather than say “I’m sorry” and reflect on why they needed to say them, they try to pad their insults with trifle compliments. But the damage has already been done. I know I stabbed you mercilessly, but you’ve always been so good at handling pain.
Then they walk away, thinking all is forgiven, and yet you’re still dizzy from the loss of blood. So you lie there in the middle of the road, unable to move, and hope that a truck doesn’t run over you. You crawl, try to breathe, try not to lose consciousness.
And the distant echo of a mantra emerges from deep within you: Lord, have mercy.
You don’t know what to do next but get yourself out of harm’s way. You continue to say, Lord, have mercy. Kyrie Eleison. Christe Eleison, Kyrie Eleison.
Sometimes that’s enough to get you to the next second. Then the next moment. Then the next hour. Then the next day.
Time offers some separation from the wounds, but you also remember to be on your guard when the dagger emerges.
Prayer
When I encounter some of the beatings of the world, I find it difficult to sit in silence. That’s when I turn to the words of others. Here’s a lovely morning prayer from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a Protestant theologian who was killed in a Nazi concentration camp. In spite of his hardship, he remained steadfast in his faith.
O God,
early in the morning I cry to you.
Help me to pray,
and to concentrate my thoughts on you:
I cannot do this alone.
In me there is darkness,
But with you there is light;
I am lonely, but you do not leave me;
I am feeble in heart, but with you there is help;
I am restless, but with you there is peace.
In me there is bitterness, but with you there is patience;
I do not understand your ways,
but you know the way for me.
Restore me to liberty,
And enable me so to live now
that I may answer before you and before me,
Lord, whatever this day may bring,
Your name be praised.
Amen.
1 A Guide to True Peace, Friends Library