Choosing Stillness Over Society: The Challenge of Finding Genuine Communities
Do you want to be geniune or popular?
Years ago, I was at a happy hour with work colleagues. They were gossiping about some of our colleagues that weren’t there. They weren’t in this clique. The man they were gossipping about was rather quirky, but he was actually one of the most popular professors among the students. I found him to be very caring towards me. So it bothered me that they were saying such petty things about him.
I also wondered what would they be saying about me if I wasn’t there. Thankfully, I had other communities to engage with so I wasn’t stuck with the petty gossipers. If I hadn’t, I would have had two choices—becoming more like them or isolating myself.
I’m pretty amazed at how other people affect us. You hope that you have a nourishing community that upholds your values, but sometimes you’re stuck with people who can really pull you apart. You might even find that you’ve outgrown your community, or you’ve become uncomfortable with your way of living, so you need to find a new community to support your change in values.
In the Philokalia, Desert Father Evagrius wrote:
Avoid forming relationships with individuals who prioritize material possessions and are deeply involved in worldly matters. Choose to live either on your own or with like-minded individuals who prioritize spiritual growth over material possessions. When someone surrounds themselves with people who are focused on material possessions and worldly matters, it's inevitable that they will be influenced by their lifestyle. This can lead to succumbing to societal pressures, engaging in empty conversations, and being exposed to various negative influences such as anger, sadness, materialistic desires, and fear of judgment.
Evagrius would agree that isolating yourself from communities like this is the better choice, yet modern society tells us that being alone isn’t good for you. The U.S. Surgeon General calls it an epidemic of loneliness and isolation. You need social connection.
But what if our communities are toxic? What if our social connections enliven the yeast of greed, anger, and materialism? What if our need to belong wraps us in toxic delusion?
Evagrius was addressing other monks living in the desert who would be tempted to return to the cities, but his advice is helpful to people struggling today. Modern society loves to indulge in food and drink. People call themselves “foodies” while others become addicted to food.
Yet Evagrius tells us to “keep a sparse and plain diet.” We easily forget we should eat to live, not live to eat. Indulging in food and drink is one of the many sensory pleasures that can disturb our physical and mental health. Our communities permit our indulgence and excess, keeping us stuck in a cycle of pleasure and pain.
What if our need to belong wraps us in toxic delusion?
The fashion industry is one of the most vain, deluding us into thinking that clothes and keeping up with the latest fashion is what is most important. My students once did a podcast on how “fast fashion” destroys the environment, yet the fashion industry exploits our need to belong.
Evagrius says, “With regard to clothes, be content with what is sufficient for the needs of the body.” You can get by with last year’s shoes if they still fit and they’re comfortable. No, you don’t need a new purse to go with the season. As long as it serves its function—to carry your shit—you don’t need to let last season’s bag sit in a landfill for decades.
Now you see why Evagrius tells us it’s better to live alone?
It’s not that an expensive car, fine foods, and a nice Coach bag are inherently bad (unless an animal was tortured to produce these goods), but instead we must continually scrutinize where we assign value and where these values come from.
Do our communities tell us that these things have value? Would they snub you if you didn’t have these things? How much time and energy do you invest in keeping up with the demands of fitting in versus the time and energy you invest in your inner stillness?
Returning often to the sacred texts can be humbling. It awakens our conscience and reminds us of the ways we should be walking rather than the ways we are currently walking. It confronts our inner division—our spiritual and cognitive dissonance. That makes us uncomfortable to the point that we can’t sit in stillness. We must act. We must choose.
How much time and energy do you invest in keeping up with the demands of fitting in versus the time and energy you invest in your inner stillness?
I’ll refer to the movie Heathers, one of my favorite dark comedies from the 80s. Veronica, played by Wynona Ryder, is incredibly popular. She wears great clothes and hangs out with the most popular girls in school. Before high school, she was friends with Betty Finn, who was unpopular yet genuine. Betty was her true friend whom she abandoned to become popular.
Although Veronica had everything other girls in high school wanted, she realized that she really didn’t like her friends. The leader of the clique, Heather Chandler, threatened her to conform to her ways or be ostracized. Veronica writes in her diary, “Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass but tonight let me dream of a world without Heather. A world where I am free.”
She realized she compromised her freedom to be bound by a community that values materialism. She had a choice—does she abandon her toxic community or remain fettered by other people’s expectations?
When we spend enough time alone with ourselves, we’re called to take a good look at how we’re spending our time and what we value. Some of our discomfort comes from the gremlins of our past mistakes, those choices in our desire to fit in that caused pain for ourselves or others. That’s when we practice self-compassion and contrition.
But sometimes our pain comes from the pressures of our communities. They prey on our fears of isolation or stoke our desire for power rather than support the values of authenticity, integrity, and humility. It’s better to walk alone with our virtues intact than get wrapped up in communities that appeal to our base desires.
And honestly, if you spend enough time in stillness, you find a deeper, infinite sense of belonging that isn’t based on an expensive car, fine foods, or a Coach bag.